Ted Off
by MlleMorsel
Summary: Teal'c and Jack get in trouble when they're caught golfing off-world. Sam turns down Plan B, Teal'c is covered in bubblegum, and Daniel gets the last laugh.


Summary: Teal'c and Jack get into trouble when they're caught golfing off- world. Sam turns down Plan B, Teal'c gets covered in bubblegum, and Daniel gets the last laugh. Rated PG for mild language and death threats.  
  
Author's notes: Here we go my second try at SG-1 fic. No ships, no chapters, just straight randomness. There's a few credits I have to give: the idea of Plan B is from my friend Brenna (if you really want to know what Plan B is, e-mail me, and if you're nice, I'll tell you), and I heard about the collapsible golf club on History's Lost and Found (whatever happened to that show? I never see it anymore?). Oh and I'm the kid who threw up at Girl Scout camp. Yep. Go me.  
  
And copyright stuff for MGM, Gekko, Mattel, blah blah blah. It's not mine, I'm not making money, so don't try to sue me.  
  
And so here it is, the second of my cheesy T-titles!  
  
T-ed Off  
  
"This is amazing. Just...amazing."  
  
"Uh...sure," replied Colonel Jack O'Neill, looking around him. What was amazing again? As far as he was concerned, he was standing amongst a mess of rocks and rubble, some of which had some weird glyph-thingies on them that he could swear were pictographs of the nutrition facts on a box of Froot Loops. He couldn't tell these ruins from a strip mall.  
  
"Look at these over here," said Daniel, dancing around a big pillar. "I know people back home who'd give their right eye to see this!" As Daniel garbled on and on gleefully about just how great this ancient city was, Jack started kicking a rock down a pathway. It was all he could do to keep himself busy. They had stumbled across these ruins while on a routine mission, and Daniel went ballistic, begging O'Neill to let him stay on the planet for just a few more hours, even though they had completed their search of the area. Carter was enjoying herself thoroughly, too, because there was something special about the minerals that the former city was built out of. Jack had been watching two squirrels have an argument while Carter tried to explain it to him, so he didn't know much about that, either. Maybe it was something about Naquadah? Or the Ancients? At any rate, all of this archaeology and science was far over Jack's head. He would much sooner be blowing up Goa'uld than sitting here on P8X309. He and Teal'c were told to "assess any threat" on the planet; which, in essence, meant that they were to take a lap around the archaeological site to see if there were any big animals or anything that could eat them. They had finished long ago, but couldn't leave until Daniel was done, "just in case." Jack kicked the rock again.  
  
"May I ask what you are doing, O'Neill?" asked Teal'c, starting down the path after Jack's rock.  
  
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing," said Jack, giving the rock another frustrated kick.  
  
"Why are you not assisting Daniel Jackson?"  
  
"Because the last time I tried to help him with something like this, he wouldn't speak to me for a week afterwards."  
  
"For what reason, O'Neill?"  
  
"I accidentally smashed a tablet."  
  
Teal'c raised an eyebrow.  
  
"OK, OK," Jack confessed. "I was trying to balance it on top of my head and it fell off."  
  
"That does not seem wise, O'Neill."  
  
"That's what Daniel said...only when he said it, he would have been completely bleeped on network TV."  
  
"Bleeped?"  
  
"Never mind."  
  
"If it is of comfort, I have little use on this mission anymore, either," said Teal'c in what, for him, was a disappointed tone.  
  
"So that makes two of us with nothing to do but wait for Daniel to holler."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
Jack slumped against one of the half-collapsed walls. Daniel was still running around, giddy as a schoolboy, and Carter was completely absorbed in some kind of analysis deal in a far corner or the ruins.  
  
Joining in Jack's game, Teal'c gave the rock a decidedly hard whack with his staff. It sailed across the ruins in a graceful arc, whizzing dangerously close to where Carter had her field lab set up. She didn't even look up.  
  
Jack jumped. It suddenly hit him, and not the flying rock. He knew it was childish, and stupid, and against about fifty different regulations, but at least he would have something to do. He started across the ruins, to the spot near the edge where SG-1 had dumped their gear. Teal'c followed, as he had nothing better to do himself.  
  
"Where is it?" Jack asked to no one in particular as he rummaged through a duffel of his personal items.  
  
"Where is what, O'Neill?" asked Teal'c, not quite understanding the rhetorical question.  
  
"It's here, I know it is. Aha!" he declared triumphantly. He held up two metal objects. "This, T, is our saving grace."  
  
"May I ask what it is?"  
  
Jack fumbled with the items for a minute, assembling the two pieces. He brandished it again. "See it now?"  
  
"Ah," said Teal'c gravely. "I understand."  
  
Jack had been on enough of these types of missions to learn that it was always good to bring along something to do. After seeing a documentary on TV about spaceflight (and taking a smug pleasure in knowing that he'd seen and driven much better stuff than NASA had to offer) he got an ingenious idea from the segment on Alan Shepherd. Those two metal things that he carried around to each planet were nothing much on their own. But when put together, they made a fully-functional makeshift golf club. He stowed it in his duffel for emergency situations like this one, but had been carrying it around for so long that he almost forgot that it was even there.  
  
"Shall we, T?"  
  
"Indeed."  
  
So, after a bit more rummaging to find a ball, Teal'c and Jack set out to find a quiet corner to practice their long game.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The two finally decided on a spot in the center of the former town that was pretty much cleared. It appeared to be some kind of village square, but it was just the right size for Teal'c and Jack to kill time driving balls. Jack dropped the ball on the very edge of the square and centered himself.  
  
"Good luck, O'Neill."  
  
"Thank you, T."  
  
Jack took a quick look ahead of him, then returned his focus to the ball. He swung back, then let it rip with all he had.  
  
"Very good shot, O'Neill."  
  
"Thank you again."  
  
They set out in the general direction of the ball's landing site, Jack twirling the club like a baton.  
  
"Sir! What are you doing, sir?"  
  
Jack and Teal'c turned. Sam was trotting across the square in their direction, a look of mixed confusion and concern on her face.  
  
"Damn. Busted," Jack whispered.  
  
"We are--"  
  
"We're just taking a walk, aren't we, Teal'c?" Jack interrupted, hastily putting the club behind his back.  
  
"Yes. We are."  
  
"And I suppose that you're using the golf club as some kind of cane?" Sam asked, drawing a confused glance from Jack. "Because you're going to need it once Daniel sees that you're hitting golf balls around his site and breaks both your legs," she concluded, crossing her arms emphatically and giving her two comrades in arms a scolding look.  
  
"Um..."  
  
"That's what I thought."  
  
"At least let T go. It would be fair if he didn't get a turn," said Jack, making what he hoped were sad-puppy-dog eyes.  
  
"Fine," said Carter, throwing her arms in the air. "I won't tell Daniel. Just promise to stop after Teal'c goes!"  
  
"Yes, mom,"Jack mumbled.  
  
"Sir!"  
  
Jack grinned. "We'll be good boys. We promise. Right, T?"  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"Remember, we've lost Daniel once. We don't want him to have a heart attack, do we?"  
  
"Yes, Carter!"  
  
Sam continued to stand there, tapping her foot. "Well..."  
  
"Well what?"  
  
"Aren't you going to keep playing?"  
  
"Oh." Jack exchanged a look with Teal'c. Teal'c inclined his head in his very Teal'c-ish way. Jack picked up the ball from where it had come to a stop after his drive and handed it to Teal'c. "Go ahead, T."  
  
"Indeed." Teal'c dropped the ball, kicking it a little to the side to get it in just the right position. Carter looked on, more for her own amusement than anything else. She could swear she'd seen the two of them hitting golf balls when they weren't supposed to before...  
  
Teal'c swung back and hit the ball with a clean follow-through. From the time the club first made contact with the ball, all three of them could tell that Teal'c's immense strength was going to send the ball flying much farther than Jack could have ever tried for, even if he were on every steroid known to man. The three watched in amazement as the ball flew high over the ruins, landing somewhere beyond their field of vision.  
  
"See, Carter! I told you we wouldn't--"  
  
CRASH!  
  
Even though they were hundreds of yards away, Jack knew the sound of something shattering when he heard it. They all winced as several smaller crashes followed.  
  
"That did not sound good, O'Neill."  
  
"No kidding."  
  
"I told you!"  
  
"Carter!"  
  
"Shutting up, sir."  
  
Jack took a deep breath. Maybe if he distracted Daniel with a fossilized Goa'uld... If he only knew where to find one... "OK, campers, let's check out the damage." Teal'c nodded solemnly as Sam put her face in her hands.  
  
"Why didn't I stay at my lab? I'm an accessory now..."  
  
"CARTER!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
It was bad. Very bad. It didn't take Sam, Jack and Teal'c very long at all to find what damage had been done. It appeared that the ball had directly hit a very large urn that could have probably held Dr. Fraiser, and with the force of Teal'c behind it, created a domino effect that knocked over three other urns that were lined up beside it. The lane was completely littered with shards.  
  
And the worst part was that on one particularly large scrap, a bright yellow tag was attached, clearly labelling that Daniel had been there; they couldn't tell Daniel that the ancient pottery was already broken.  
  
"Oh no."  
  
"It's not that bad."  
  
"Sir, look at this!" Sam cried, waving her arms dramatically at the mess.  
  
"OK, so maybe it's bad."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"Daniel is going to kill you. Kill you like a dog in the street. Oh my God...I'm going to be on the news..."  
  
"Um...anyone got some superglue?"  
  
"SIR!"  
  
"Chill Carter, don't have an aneurism. We can fix this."  
  
"Might I ask how, O'Neill?"  
  
"We'll improvise!" Jack growled. "Carter, you keep Daniel distracted. Keep him away from here."  
  
"There's only so much I can invent, sir. I'm a theoretical astrophysicist, not an actress."  
  
"Well, if anything, use Plan B."  
  
"Plan B?"  
  
Jack leaned and whispered something in Sam's ear. Teal'c looked on in curiosity as Carter's eyes widened.  
  
"I could have you court-martialed for even suggesting that, sir!"  
  
Jack grinned. "It's just a suggestion."  
  
"Not in a million years."  
  
"Fine then. Find another way to distract Danny-Boy while we figure this out."  
  
"Yes, sir," Carter sighed as she walked off to find Daniel.  
  
"Any ideas, T?"  
  
"I have none, O'Neill."  
  
Jack kicked at a shard, which shattered into a million more pieces. "You know, this is your fault!" he suddenly yelled.  
  
Teal'c blinked, startled. He usually wasn't the one to bear the brunt of O'Neill's temper tantrums. "I believe that you were the one to suggest golfing."  
  
"Yeah, but you hit it!"  
  
"But it is your ball and club."  
  
"But...but...but you hit it!"  
  
Teal'c rolled his eyes. "This argument is getting us nowhere, O'Neill. Our time would be better spent attempting to reassemble these urns."  
  
Jack plopped down on the ground, heaving a breath of frustration. "Yeah, you're right, as always. At least let's sort them into which vase is which."  
  
"I believe they are urns, O'Neill."  
  
"Vase, urn, whatever. Big pots."  
  
"That sounds like a prudent idea." Teal'c sat down as well, and immediately began assessing and sorting pieces.  
  
Teal'c and Jack sorted in silence for a few minutes, occasionally glancing at each other only to immediately break eye contact. It was a hurried business, as neither of them was completely confident in the acting abilities of their resident theoretical astrophysicist.  
  
The silence was deadly, and Jack had to break it. "So what next?" he asked.  
  
"I suppose we should attempt to reassemble the artifacts," said Teal'c matter-of-factly.  
  
"Yeah, but with what?"  
  
"I do not know, O'Neill."  
  
"Oooh! I have some gum!"  
  
Teal'c made no reply, raising a lone eyebrow.  
  
"Look, T, it's all we've got."  
  
"Very well."  
  
Jack took a small pack of Bubblicious from one of his many pockets, opened it, and handed a piece to Teal'c. Teal'c hesitated, then hastily shoved the gum in his mouth. He chewed in earnest for a minute, then proceeded to blow a tremendous bubble that was nearly the size of his head.  
  
"Wow!" Jack yelled in awe. "I didn't know you could blow bubbles, T!"  
  
Teal'c tried to say "Indeed" through his mouthful of gum, but the effort popped the bubble, which splattered all over his face, making the tough Jaffa warrior look like he had a case of the Barbie chicken pox. Teal'c looked most disconcerted as Jack rolled on the ground, laughing hysterically.  
  
"Way...way...to go, T," he gasped in between hoots.  
  
"I do not see what is so funny, O'Neill."  
  
"You can't see yourself!"  
  
Teal'c still pouted despite Jack's best efforts to point out the humor in the situation. "Hey, at least you don't have hair," Jack consoled, which for some reason made Teal'c all the more disgruntled. After a good ten minutes of hilarity at Teal'c's expense, Jack finally managed to gain control of his laughter and get back to putting together the broken urns. The silence returned, to be occasionally interrupted by a spurt of giggles from Jack, especially when Teal'c set to work picking bubblegum out of the golden symbol of Apophis on his forehead.  
  
"You look like you're the First Prime of Barbie's Dream House!" Jack roared at one point, unable to contain himself any longer. His laughter was quickly stifled, however, when Teal'c made a grab for his staff weapon. There were no more pink jokes for quite some time after that.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
While Jack and Teal'c were dealing with bubblegum and pottery shards, Carter was doing her darndest to keep Daniel away from The Accident. Sam could be perfectly cool under fire, or going undercover on some life- threatening mission, but for some reason the entire business of the pottery crash was too stupid for her to cover believably.  
  
"So Daniel...how's it coming?" was her first attempt at a diversion. Man, I wish that he were some System Lord and I could just zat his ass here and now to keep him away, Sam thought.  
  
"Er...OK. How about your work?" Daniel asked, continuing with his translation.  
  
"Oh, it's great," she said, bobbing her head for some inexplicable reason. "It's very...interesting."  
  
"Good," replied Daniel, still working. After Sam continued to stand there for an awkward minute, he thought a polite kick-out was in order. "Don't you want to get back to it?"  
  
"Oh!" Sam blushed. "No, no...I need a break. I think I want some coffee. Do you want any? I think we've got some of those filter bags in our supplies you know, the ones that are like tea bags, only coffee? We've got them somewhere. And I know you like coffee. Maybe I can make some for the Colonel and Teal'c too!" she rambled nervously.  
  
Daniel looked at her quizically. "No, that's OK. I'm fine for now. Actually, I'll help you. I was just getting up."  
  
"But...but you should stay here, and finish your work! It's so important, y'know, if we find something here to help us with the Goa'uld or something," Sam garbled.  
  
Daniel looked confused. He was used to Sam not making sense, but never like this. "We-eelll," he began, "...I wanted to check out the west side of the ruins again. There were some interesting markings on the architecture I wanted to take another look at."  
  
"NO! You can't go there" The west side was where Jack and Teal'c were. Way to go, Carter, she thought to herself. You could have just left him alone, and he would have been perfectly happy to sit here for hours. But noooooo...you had to open your big mouth.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Um. Because...because...it's rocky! Yes, it's rocky, and you could hurt yourself."  
  
"I'm a big boy, Sam. I think I can manage," said Daniel, looking at Sam as if she were officially losing her mind.  
  
"Well, then let me come with you. I have field medical training!" Sam's voice was becoming increasingly frantic and high-pitched, giving Daniel every reason to think something was up. Great. And the Academy Award for Worst Stalling In The History of Anything goes to Samantha Carter for getting her CO murdered by Daniel Jackson...  
  
"Are you feeling well, Sam?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm great! How about you? How's the descending thing been on your body?" she asked, trying to surreptitiously skew Daniel's path.  
  
Daniel stepped around Sam, now obviously suspicious. "It's been fine, never felt better. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to continue my work."  
  
"Then I'll come along. Always bring a buddy, that's what they taught me in Girl Scouts when I was little. I loved Girl Scouts. The camping and everything was great, but I hated when they made me do crafts. I was never a very crafty kid," she said, walking backwards, hoping that she could at least block Daniel's field of vision. "Were you a Boy Scout, Daniel? Probably not, you had allergies, right? That would have made camping a pain. But then again, I knew a girl with terrible allergies and asthma, but she still insisted on coming to camp, even though she threw up in front of the counselors' tent one night." What the hell are you doing, Carter? Think of a better distraction! You're supposed to stall him, not scare him!  
  
"Sam...you sound like Rain Man today, what's wrong with you?"  
  
They were just about to round the corner. T-minus ten seconds to meltdown...  
  
"NOTHING, DANIEL! I'M JUST FINE, DANIEL! JUST ABOUT TO TURN THE CORNER, DANIEL!" she shouted, hoping that Jack would take the hint. She heard the scuffling of feet and something sliding across the road...  
  
What they saw was certainly not what Carter expected. There were Jack and Teal'c, and all of the urns, completely reassembled.  
  
"Oh, hey! It's the Colonel and Teal'c!" Carter squealed, backing up to where Daniel couldn't see her mouth move. What happened here? she mouthed to Jack.  
  
Jack grinned back. "What a pleasant surprise, Daniel. We thought you wouldn't come back over here.  
  
"Jack...Teal'c...what are you doing?" said Daniel, brow furrowed in his classic look of skepticism, usually reserved for Jack's attempts at science.  
  
"We are conversing, Daniel Jackson."  
  
"I can see that."  
  
"So how's the archaeology coming?" asked Jack, an unusual strain in his voice.  
  
"Fine..." Daniel looked from Jack to Teal'c, from Teal'c to Sam, and back to Jack. "What's going on?"  
  
"Nothing," all three said immediately.  
  
"I see." He approached one of the urns. With another look at his teammates, he assessed the urn. "This was broken," he said calmly.  
  
Jack panicked. "Quick, Carter, Plan B!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"And you put it back together."  
  
They looked at the ground, shamefaced. "I can explain--" Jack began.  
  
But before any explanation could be given, Daniel grabbed the top of the biggest urn and pushed it to the ground, shattering it into another million pieces.  
  
"What the hell did you do that for?" yelled Jack, both angry and confused at Daniel's sudden destructiveness. "Do you have any idea how much time that took to put back together, not to mention my entire supply of Bubblicious!?"  
  
"Why did you just do that, Daniel Jackson?"  
  
"Do you know how stressful it was for me to keep you away from here?"  
  
And then something completely unexpected happened. Daniel looked at their irate faces and started laughing. Laughing hysterically.  
  
Sam, Jack and Teal'c glanced at each other, all wondering if they had been the last straw in driving Daniel three fries short of a Happy Meal. "I do not see what is so funny, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said finally.  
  
"You...you three!" he gasped. "I can't believe...oh dear..."  
  
"What is so damn funny, Daniel?"  
  
He picked up a shard and waved it in front of Jack's face. "It's fake. Completely fake. They're only ten or fifteen years old. They were probably left here by a Goa'uld or someone else using the Stargate not so long ago. They're worth absolutely nothing. Not even the clay is worth the analysis. You just did me a favor by giving me one less thing to enter into my database."  
  
Jack blinked. "You mean...you mean I didn't have to spend the last hour cutting myself on pottery, using Teal'c's ABC bubblegum to put this crap together?"  
  
"Nope," Daniel giggled.  
  
All they could do was gape, watching Daniel clutch his stomach his stomach, doubled over. "And speaking of bubblegum," he added, pointing to Teal'c, "Somebody tell the Ballerina Guard over there that he's still got Bubblicious on his forehead."  
  
Teal'c scratched at his forehead as Sam and Jack exchanged defeated looks.  
  
"I have to admit, this was worth it."  
  
"Excuse me?" asked Sam.  
  
"You think I didn't hear the crash? I'm half-blind, but I'm not deaf. I was hoping that by putting those stupid things out in the open you'd break them."  
  
"You...you what?"  
  
"Aw, come on! You don't actually think I'd leave something valuable within your reach, Jack!"  
  
Jack glared hard. "What?"  
  
Daniel patted Jack on the shoulder. "Let's consider this my payback for that tablet you smashed."  
  
"You...you devious little linguist! You set me up!"  
  
Daniel grinned from ear to ear. "Only to teach you a lesson."  
  
"But I do not see why Major Carter and myself needed to be taught a lesson, Daniel Jackson," said Teal'c.  
  
Daniel guffawed. "I didn't think you two would be stupid enough to get mixed up in this too!" He collapsed into a fit of laughter again.  
  
"I resent that! I was the one who warned those two that they'd break something."  
  
"Still, you did cover for them."  
  
"I guess."  
  
Daniel straightened up. "Well then, I hope you've learned something."  
  
"Thank you, Daniel, now I will never touch your stuff again."  
  
"Thank you, Jack." Daniel paused. "I am wondering something, though. What exactly is Plan B?"  
  
"You don't want to know," Sam said quickly.  
  
"Yes you do-oooo," Jack grinned devilishly.  
  
"No, he doesn't."  
  
"Yes, I think I do."  
  
"No. You. Don't."  
  
Fin. (Hurrah!) 


End file.
